Every one of us can admit to times when we have felt frustrated with our partner … they don’t listen, they don’t understand, they seem intent on doing things their way no matter. You get the idea.
So, how you are 'talking' to your partner. Be honest … do you both experience times when you could easily just walk away in despair or frustration? Perhaps not. Perhaps you are lucky to enjoy a positive relationship where you both can engage effectively and positively. In either case, there is always room for improvement.
We believe that to think you can’t do more is to accept the first step downhill. Growth is not inevitable; nor is success. But always looking to be the best you can, and supporting each other in this will lead to something inevitable … the opportunity to grow and be successful together as a couple.
So, in this report we would like to present to you what we believe are some simple 'secrets' … some might say strategies … towards creating, or re-creating enhanced communication skills that will allow you and your partner to move forward as a unit, knowing, accepting and sharing the other’s point of view … and goals.
Let’s begin by thinking about how you currently communicate with your partner.
Are there times when you feel he/she 'just doesn’t get it' … won’t make the effort to understand … isn’t 'on the same page'? Pretty normal for most of us.
If in doubt, think about your relationship with your partner over the past year or so. You’ll soon discover examples.
Unfortunately, we have witnessed far too many couples engaged in disagreements of all kinds and degrees, and it is sad, because it really does not have to be that way.
The way a person speaks to their partner, if only unconsciously, provides a good indicator of their trust and intimacy towards one another.
The truth … most of us are not great communicators with those we are closest to.
We do not connect as effectively as we would think … or wish to.
But with the help of a few simple yet effects strategies we can make quite a substantial difference to how we interact as partners.
We can quite easily and painlessly retrain our communication habits towards creating the trust and respect we would wish to receive from our partner, and in so doing return the favour.
And, when we trust and respect our partner we begin to appreciate the value they bring to our relationship, and experience a sense of 'flow' - a feeling of engaging together effortlessly and with great harmony.
So, let’s have a look at these simple yet powerful strategies that have the ability to make a difference.
Secret One: breath to stay calm
Think of a conversation you have encountered with your partner that wasn’t smooth sailing. Did you find it challenging? Did either … or neither … of you remain calm? You see, the one who remains the calmest is the one to most likely benefit from the interaction. It usually goes like this if both get 'wound up' …
Now, if you can manage to take a big breath and relax yourself when you see this type of situation starting to emerge you can drastically improve the chances of enjoying a successful conversation.
How does this work? When you do such simple things as breathing slowly while counting to five, or having a stretch, or yawning (even if faking it) you allow your brain to calm down and begin to react in a more relaxed and 'normal' manner … much more conducive to a positive and enjoyable exchange.
Secret Two: keep to the point
If you are a chatterbox, no matter how much your partner will want to listen he/she will eventually shut you out mentally, and possibly emotionally, especially if this is a common theme to your conversations.
And, quite likely it will happen in anticipation and automatically. If you need to make a clear point, there are two ways to handle this.
You can either deliver your message a few sentences at a time, pausing for breath in between to keep focused. You see, your partner needs (and no doubt wants) to hear what you have to say, but most of us can only handle a certain (and small) amount of incoming information at one time before tuning out.
If you know there is a lot to be said, perhaps due to the nature / intent of the conversation, then let this be known at the outset. This will allow your partner to get ready for the onslaught of words and be in a better position mentally to control their frustration at 'talked at'.
Secret Three: smile while you talk
Ever tried being angry while smiling? Pretty hard to accomplish.
Before engaging in a conversation that could challenge your (or your partner’s) willingness to stay connected, bring a funny cartoon figure into your mind before launching into the conversation. With this image in your thoughts you will subtly display a relaxed and happy face that will stimulate a feeling of calm and trust in the other person’s mind.
In turn, that person will unconsciously mirror your expression(s), ultimately leading to a more amicable and relaxed conversation.
Secret Four: connect to affect
Remember the old saying … 'look into my eyes'? It actually has meaning. Engaging your person by 'forcing' them to look at you has the ability to:
stimulate connection
increase a feeling of 'good'
decrease stress
enhance empathy
More so, if you really look into your partner’s eyes (but don’t stare) you will be better able to judge how your words are being received. Facial expressions can help you understand the impact you are having on your partner.
The more common, and easy to identify, include:
anger
sadness
surprise
happiness
distrust
disappointment
disinterest
confusion
Becoming adept at judging how your words are being received allows you to be in a position to monitor the reactions (or potential reactions) of your partner and adjust your language (verbal and body) to ensure the conversation continues down the right track, or simply moves back on the track you intended.
Secret Five: appreciation leads to connection
How you enter into a conversation dictates its outcome.
When your partner senses you appreciate them taking the time to listen to you it actually allows their existing trust in you to direct their attention and willingness to ingest what you have to say. In other words, your partner is in a better position to willingly engage in the conversation, creating a longer lasting effect on both them and the outcome of the conversation itself.
By contrast, if you begin in an aggressive or confronting way you will immediately engender a defensive reaction that will most likely limit any real chance of achieving a successful outcome.
Secret Six: trust creates reciprocal trust
How you speak can convey sensitivity in situations where you need your partner to understand and be supportive.
Speaking gently and in lower/quieter tones has the potential to engender trust and empathy in your partner, and ultimately create heightened mutual trust.
This is particularly important if your message may potentially be not so well received, or when you need your partner to really understand the importance of the situation and your effort to ensure he/she is supportive of your message and its potential impact on the future of the relationship.
Secret Seven: positive approaches create positive outcomes
This is a 'big one'. Negative thoughts actually influence language processing when both speaking and listening, leading to a defensive reaction or immediate distrust.
That can be quite powerful if accompanied by matching body language. Even something as simple as a raised eyebrow can signal a fight or flight reaction, leading ultimately to a damaging confrontation at best or isolation at worst.
The best way to avoid this outcome is to try and replace a negative thought with at least three to five positive ones before diving in to the conversation. Remaining positive before, during and after a conversation has the greatest potential to elicit a positive outcome.
Secret Eight: listen before speaking
Admit it. We all do it at one time or another. We begin to formulate our response to someone’s conversation before they even finish what they are saying. Sometimes we actually start talking before they finish.
How many of us have started to talk, for example, about something we just experienced, only to find the other person butting in to tell us their story. Or have you ever mentally rehearsed a joke to respond to the other person’s joke while they were still telling it … and then wonder why you can never remember jokes???
This is one of the hardest behaviours to master – to speak, then stop and listen, staying focused on the other person’s body language, facial expressions and of course the words they use.
Paraphrasing is an age-old and effective method of ensuring your partner knows that they have been listened to and understood throughout the conversation. Doing this, with practice to ensure it is genuine, will help keep the conversation on track and meaningful, and greatly assist the bond between you and your partner.
To recap
The art of conversation is still one of the most enduring means of ensuring your relationship with your partner has purpose.
And, funnily enough, we still communicate primarily with words, whether by social media, our mobile phones / i-pads, and of course through face to face interaction.
Being a master of conversation is a very useful tool in your efforts to achieve support and buy-in between you and your partner. So next time you feel about to 'explode', take a step back and remember what has been discussed here.
Talking, listening and engaging with intent and purpose may just help your relationship grow even closer, and build a strong and lasting bond.
Want to learn more about how you can access and grow your relationship with your partner? Contact us on
or
Click Here to organize a 30 minute discovery chat.
Comments