Our language is one of our most influential tools we employ when communicating with others … and ourselves.
Our language carries power … our words used even ‘innocently’ in conversation can create lasting effects on those we interact with on a daily basis.
Does this have meaning for daily life, whether at work or at home? Absolutely! The words we choose to use in our daily conversations with others can affect our connection with them in unpredictable ways.
What you say, and even simply how you say it, can convey meaning quite in contrast to what was intended, and hence damage communication of the intended message, especially if the body language being employed is at odds with the words spoken.
More interestingly, perhaps, the words we use daily have a powerful influence on our own thoughts and feelings, and even on our actions.
For example ...
assertive people will tend to use words that confirm their confidences
those who are insecure will reveal that quality in their language
and the pattern continues with other emotions such as anger and envy.
What follows is a list of the more common misuses of our language that can easily be found in all situations (adapted from Grinder & Bandler). And no one is immune. Knowing creates opportunity for change.
Consider how many of them you can identify in your partner, your friends, your work colleagues ... and perhaps most Imporantly, yourself.
You can’t help them understand and change, but it night help you become more aware of the language you are currently employing, and the likely impact of its use.
Mind Reading
This relates to the person interpreting the information coming in to them in line with their own way of thinking.
Example: you speak with an agitated voice to someone and they interpret this as you being angry at them.
Cause / Effect
This refers to the link between and action and an outcome.
Example: an individual expresses a belief (either verbally or through body actions) that another person can control their emotional response purely by what they say.
Ways to question that link: how does he/she cause you to....?
Complex Equivalent
This occurs when someone makes a spurious link of the meaning between two separate events or pieces of behaviour. Often the outcome may be quite at odds with the original intention.
Example: you see two people talking quietly together and looking across in your direction - this can easily allow some people to jump to a wrong (and potentially damaging) conclusion.
Generalisations
This refers to a linking a small number of examples to a common thread.
Example: every time we need to work on this initiative he/she always ...
Frequent use of generalisations can suggest some rigidity in the speaker’s outlook on life generally, and with possibly damaging impact on the relationship.
Lost Performatives
This refers to unowned or unsupported statements.
Example: It is good to always wear thongs on the beach.
Overcome this with: for whom / who says so / according to ….
Modal Operators
Words like ‘should’, ‘ought’, ‘must’, ‘have to’ imply that there is a requirement on the speaker to do or abstain from doing something. Alternatively, it can become an excuse for when this doesn’t eventuate (eg out of the person’s control etc).
Example: I should go for a walk more than twice a week ...
Universal Qualifiers
This refers to words that are absolutes eg ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘every’, ‘all’.
Example: all young people are much fitter than the rest of us.
Ask questions to clarify: all young people / always?
ü Nominalisation
This refers to abstract nouns which are not connected to any proper noun.
Example: we want more laughter in the workplace / at home.
Ask questions to clarify: what would you like us to laugh about?
Unspecified verbs
This refers to generalised verbs such as walk, dance, sing.
Example: she sang the song well
Ask questions to clarify: how did she specifically sing it?
Lack of referential Index
This refers to unreferenced statements.
Example: Younger professionals can be so aloof; they weren’t nice to me.
Ask questions to clarify: who were they / which young professionals specifically?
Comparative deletions
This refers to selectively paying attention to certain portions of our experience while excluding the comparator.
Example: she was good.
Ask questions to clarify: compared to whom or what?
Simple deletions
Information about a person, object or event that has been left out.
Example: that is not good compared to….
So, as you can see, our everyday use of language can be quite detrimental to how we interact with
others, never mind how we might ‘talk’ to ourselves. There is great potential for any one of us to be overcome with language that is non-directed or provides the potential for negativity and even self-doubt and disrespect.
Unfortunately, we are all vulnerable at different times to misinterpreting something, or being at the receiving end of an unpleasant interaction. How we handle that is very dependent on how we view ourselves an d the world in general. It is very important for us all to be aware of our language patterns, and particularly on the influence they can impart on our thinking and engaging. Words really do have power.
Below is a series of 19 statements you might often here in the workplace, amongst family and friends and so on. It could be you saying them, or just overhearing them. They may even be directed at you. All have the ability to cause harm.
Your challenge - consider how you could rephrase the sentences to create a positive outcome for all parties, given what we have discussed above.
I'm hopeless at that sort of thing.
My life is over without her as my partner.
I'll never have enough skill to be that good.
I’ll try to get the content learnt today.
He's always late to meetings.
All male workers are the same.
Everybody does it when they go to a party.
We should all care about that.
Getting married partners to listen better to each other is a lost cause.
What an obnoxious person.
I'm at my wits’ end with my partner.
I'm no good at talking to girls.
Everyone feels helpless in these situations.
She'll never be really happy.
I know what our boss was thinking about me.
I'm completely dejected by this daily routine.
I feel like a total failure.
They say it happens all the time.
Why does everyone say things like that in this team.
How did you go? Perhaps you recognised far too many sentences there. On the surface they may seem harmless. But … every one of them has the power to destroy an individual, whether self-inflicted or directed by another person.
You will be aware that there is a multitude of strategies available for people to address their current situation and move forward. They are all valuable. However, we believe the power of a simple word is the precursor of all self-improvement in life generally.
How we talk to ourselves and how we interpret comments from others all precede action/reaction.
So, if you are looking to improve your communication and engagement, choose your words carefully.
One way or the other they will lead you to action. More so, talk positively to/with your partner, your work colleagues, your friends.
What works for you might just be what brings them down … a reaction.
Being open, clear and honest in your communication will lead you much closer to personal satisfaction, no matter what the circumstances.
We believe a positive mindset creates a positive environment, one which allows everyone to experience fun, connection and achievement in life.
So, how do you talk to others? What are you prepared to do towards being a better communicator across all areas of your life.
At the end of the day, it comes down to how (positively rather than negatively) you talk to yourself.
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